I’ve never had much trouble with moles in the garden and lawn until this year. Last week I saw several hills and raised tunnels in the yard, evidence of moles. As I walked through the yard I could feel some of the tunnels collapsing under my feet. “You got any idea how I could take care of this mole problem over here?” I yelled across the fence to my next-door neighbor, who was filling a small child’s swimming pool with water.

“Just make sure they stay on your side of the fence.” he joked. Oh yeah, that’s certainly helpful advice. I decided to head to the hardware store to see if I could find a solution there.

“Need any help, sir?” asked the man behind the counter.

“Do you have anything that will get rid of moles? They’re ruining my garden and lawn”. I said.

He pointed toward the back wall. “The last aisle,” he said. “I’ll show you what we’ve got”

He walked with me to the Pest Control section and said “Right here.”

Sure enough there were all kinds of boxes and bottles with pictures of moles on them. Some of the mole pictures had a big red X drawn across them. Some of the pictures had the circle with a line through it symbol over the mole. Others had a skull and cross-bones stamped over a dead mole. There were poison peanuts, poison fake worms, poison gas dispensers, devises that made clicking noises, things that made banging noises, things that made noises only a mole could hear. “Which one of these products would you suggest, sir?” I asked the hardware store man.

“I wouldn’t suggest any of these things, I would suggest that right there,” he said while pointing to a quite deadly looking piece of equipment. He picked up the strange looking object and handed it to me. I marveled at it’s obvious ability to kill. It looked like a medieval torture device of some kind. There were large steel springs, cables, a large trigger area, and two pair of seven inch long scissors that were capable of taking off a finger if you weren’t careful. The man actually told me that, it could take off your finger!

“I’ll take it,” I said, excitedly. I could hardly wait to get it home to try it.

“It’s thirty two dollars, plus tax,” the man said while showing me how to set the trap. I don’t know why they call it a trap. It’s a killing machine, not a trap.

As soon as I got home I set it just the way the man showed me. It was quite tricky to set it properly, but I did it. And now, like James Bond, I had a license to kill! The medieval looking device caught (and killed) a mole within two hours. The next day another, and two more since then. There may be a mole or two left, but I’ll get them eventually.

Yes, the thing really works, and works quite well. And, best of all, I still have all of my fingers.